You can divorce with Grace

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“I’m goin’ through the Big D and don’t mean Dallas.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if it were as catchy as this 1990’s Country Song? Well, let me tell you it’s not. I am sure that if you have been through this you will also agree. I am struggling in so many different ways that I didn’t even know were possible. The hurt, pain, guilt, failures… absolutely every single one from my entire life are going through my mind. Not just what pertains to my divorce process. ALL OF IT. Where I first went wrong in life. What made me the way I am. I should have done this differently when I was 13 with that one “boyfriend”.

Isn’t it crazy how we use our minds against ourselves? It’s insane to me the stuff that has come back to me and that I am having to sort through on top of everything else. But, in away it is also freeing. I am working through things I never did. I am recognizing what truly means the most to me, who I am and what I need out of this crazy life.

“I never got married thinking it would ever end.” Something I also keep going back to and I am sure anyone who has went through divorce has said that in some form or another. I mean who wants to see what use to be the love of their life come to an end. To have that story end and not end Happily Ever After? Y’all life isn’t a fairy tale. It’s so damn hard. We go through so many hurts, trials, painful situations and the thing is everyone handles them so differently. I think that is where the difference begins.

In how we handle the situations we are given. If we pull closer to the ones we love the most in those times or if we push them away. It’s always a slow process. The distance grows between you and before you know it your are in different mindsets, places of life and become complete strangers. What I am learning in this process isn’t how we got here but how to handle it all now.

After all I could always sort through the past, the what ifs and I should have done this. The past is the past though. His faults and my faults no longer need to be brought up and thrown in the others face. Now it’s how we handle the moment. Showing our children that even in hard times you should always treat other people with love and respect.

I want to greet each and everyday with Grace. Grace for myself, Grace for my children’s father, Grace for the pain I feel and will continue to have to work through. So from this point on I will remind myself.

I am enough.

I am worthy.

I deserve to get back just as much as I give.

I am not broken.

I do not need to keep apologizing.

I will forgive myself.

My boys are my reason for life and I am and will always put them first. I want them to grow up knowing how to treat people, how to deal with life’s hiccups and that they deserve nothing but the best. They will never be used as leverage. They are the center of their fathers and my life.

If you too find yourself in a similar situation then remember to approach it with grace, love and kindness. After all we should always treat others that way no matter what the situation.

If this is you then my heart and love are with you. I know how it feels. We will build ourselves back up together. One brick at a time. Never forget to…

“Always trust that still small voice in your head that says this is my limit.” -Dr. Zoe Shaw Sometimes that voice knows better then our heart.

 

Love and Light,

Ashley

Making it through the unknown.

Life has so many unknown possibilities. So many different choice we can take and directions we can go. We can wake one day and our entire world can be turned upside down. What we thought was, no longer is. What we dreamed to be is quickly brought to a halt. The thing is somethings are out of our control. Somethings are consequences of our actions and somethings; well those things God brings to be or not to be. I don’t want to get all philosophical with this post, but I do want to share a little of what I am going through.

I am going through a phase of the unknown. A lot is “Up in the air.” There is nothing that I can truly do aside from leave it in someone more powerful than myself hands.

How I am getting through each day. How I am coping with the change and process. That I do have control over.

Here are some things you can also try to use if you to are going through a phase in your life of uncertainty.

  1. Organize and clean your entire house. Leave no pillow unturned and no closet corner ignored. This has been so therapeutic for me. Plus I have purged or donated so many things we don’t use in the process.
  2. Find other ways to use things in your home. I wanted to get my paints back out and start painting. I didn’t have a table or anything that would work for the small area I have so I used the benches from my dining table. I have a lot of random chairs (I have a problem with pillows and chairs), so those chairs are now around my table!
  3. Pick back up hobbies you haven’t done in a longtime or start a new hobby! I got my paints out again. I have been filling spare time with working out, writing, journaling, painting and digging into my bible. Really anything that keeps my mind busy and focusing on the positive.
  4. Surround yourself with those who mean the most to you! My boys are my light and my world. When I am with them they are my main focus and we have so much fun!! Family and true friends are always going to be there when you need them. Take them up on their offer to get dinner, coffee or just sit and talk. It is so good for your soul.
  5. Something else I am super excited about is that I love to read and have some like minded gals that do too, so we are going to start a Book Club. I hope this becomes a safe and fun place for us all to hangout, read and get in much need girl time in the middle of our crazy busy life’s.
  6. I have also decided to reach out to someone to talk to. Someone who doesn’t know me but from a professional stand point and can give me the guidance to get through my current situation in a healthy way. A way so that I can heal and not use substances, the wrong people or fall back into old patterns.

 

Y’all life can be so damn hard. I know we are all out here just trying to do our best and make it through things “One Day at a Time.” I know right now I am thanking sweet baby Jesus on the daily for my Dry Shampoo, Messy bun, Concealer and Coffee! Maybe channeling some of your troubles or energy into an outlet similar to some of these will help you. The main thing to remember is we will make it through this.

We are strong Woman, Mothers, Sisters, Daughters. Friends. With a little support when we need it we will get through whatever phase of life you are currently in. Just know when to ask when you need help. That’s what we are all here for.

 

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style.” – Maya Angelou

 

Love and Light,

Ashley

A letter to my first born son

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7/8/2018

Clayton,

First of all, I hope you had a wonderful birthday today! We tried to make it special but also simple and sweet. An adventure will await us soon. It still seems absolutely impossible that you are now SEVEN! It is like we took a few nights sleep and you grew up before my eyes. You know I have often heard that there is just something special between a mama and her first born. Well baby boy that is so true. Let mama explain. See you are the very first one who made me a mom. You came into this world clinging to me and changed my life forever. In such a better way! You trusted me and our bond has always been unbreakable. Momma could always make it better. I won’t lie this still amazes me. I had NO idea what I was doing when we first laid eyes on each other. Heck, some days I still don’t. The great thing though is that we get to learn together. You taught me how to unconditionally love someone and man do you show me Grace Every. Single. Day. Clayton Eli, you are the kindest person I know. Your uncanny ability to love and except everyone makes my heart nearly explode. (In the best way possible) You are already turning into such an amazing little man. You are a care giver, love, gentle, responsible and always willing to help me out with anything I am doing. The way you care for your brothers now is building the strongest bond that will always hold strong between y’all. If there are just a few things I want to remind you today on your birthday is.

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One, Never ever forget how much I love you and how special you are to me. Our bond and connection mean the world to me. The world that you and your brothers create is my everything and our bond sweet boy; OUR BOND is what started this adventure we are on.

Second,  Never let anyone let you believe anything but how wonderful you are. I don’t know a single person in this big huge world that is kinder than you my Gentle Giant and I hope you know God gave you that special gift for a reason so always remember to use it.

Lastly, Always remember to give yourself the same Grace that you show others. On bad days, on days you make bad choices (I WILL FIND OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING, so never lie to me) and on days that you don’t particular like yourself. We all have those days, they pass! Give yourself grace though baby boy because you deserve ever ounce of that!!

I still can’t look at your baby pictures without crying and each year when I go through all of the ones I have I will cry as the years go by. Heck, I am sobbing while I write this. Because no your not my “favorite” your brothers and you all have things that make you all my favorite, but you are different. What we have is different. You were the first to call me momma, hold my finger with all five of yours, nurse endless nights while I just stared at you. You help build me, help me grow and began molding me into the mom I am today before your brothers where ever a thought. Thank you for always being my biggest fan and you will  be my Superhero!

I love you to our Moon and Back with a Hug around the neck.

Happy Birthday Big Man

Love your momma

 

I see you momma; you are not alone

I often wonder if anyone else’s kids are as wild as mine. Why when in a store does it always seem like my boys are the only ones driving their momma (or dad) absolutely insane? The truth is they aren’t the only ones but it is always going to stand out that way to me. Let me set up the “perfect” scenario.

“Boys we are going to quickly run into the store, DO NOT ask for anything! I am only grabbing a few things to make dinner!” *Enters Store* Mom, can we PLEAASE play this game? We will DIE if we can’t just play it one time! (Me under my breathe, “Curse the people who place the dumb machines at store entrances!!!”) No we are in a hurry lets go boys. Gets in the store. Has a 5 minute argument over which cart to use because the Car Cart is already gone. Finally, in the store headed to get items. Youngest begins screaming for silicone tongs. “WHY ME?!?!” Crisis one diverted only to make it less that 20 feet and middle son now has to poop so badly that his stomach will explode right then and there. I know this because he just yelled it out to everyone in isle 3. Which is wonderful; now everyone is really staring at us.

After a not so quick trip to the bathroom we are back on course. Grab the remainder of our items and make our way to the dreaded checkout line. People without kids may think why dreaded? This means you are almost done and out of the store. Well when you have kids this means saying NO 1025 time. This means trying to unload the cart onto the belt while running 25 diversions at the same time. Putting all the items back up that your kids are screaming for. Staring down “Judgey- Judy” who keeps looking at you like you need to get your kids under control and then dealing with “Rude mouth Ruby who thinks you shouldn’t have just popped your sons bottom. When all I want to do is pay and get out of these peoples path of judgement!

Here is the point y’all. If you have children then we have all been here. It’s awful and exhausting and why most every momma needs wine, or yoga, or therapy!

I love my darling boys so much. They are my life. But man can they cause me to snap quicker than anything else in this beautiful world and “Lose my Jesus!” SOOO I have an idea. What if instead of staring down that momma or mumbling what you would do, what if for just one moment we step into her shoes? Think about a time when you have been there. Smile at her and give her a word of encouragement.

I challenge you to tell her that this will pass quickly. Pat her on the back and remind her she isn’t alone. Tell her how amazing she is and that her beautiful children will appreciate all she does one day.

From one Momma to another I want you to know I am here for you. I am in this same phase of life where things are often more wild than calm. I lose my cool and scream more than I want to admit but I also love my boys big. I tell them that all the time. We cuddle, read and play hard. At the end of the day we tell each other how much we love one another. They talk about how amazing their day was, so despite the times I lost my cool they talk about all the awesome stuff we did. Guess what? They don’t even mention when I freaked out on them for not listening to me! The days may be long and the months short, we may be figuring this out one moment to the next, but you aren’t alone!

I am right here with you and together we will figure this all out together!

God Speed Momma,

Ashley

Our Summer Bucket List

 

 

We have been in full summer mode for awhile and we have been loving it but also trying to find as many things as possible to keep us cool! It’s soooo hot here. Lots of time swimming and lots of ice cream. Hello glorious summer!! The boys asked me if we could make a list of stuff they want to do for summer. (They get the list making from their momma =) I of course obliged and now we are in full check it off the list mode. Starting ASAP so we can get it all in before school starts back up.

Good thing we have already done some of these things because the boys list is full of FUN stuff. This momma wishes more than anything that Sweet Summertime lasted a little longer, but that’s what makes it sweet doesn’t it? You have to make the best of the time you get. How do you fit in all the fun summer festivities with your crew? I would love to hear and get more ideas! Here is our bucket list that we came up with. Check it out here Summer Bucketlist!!! 

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Hope you enjoy it and can get some ideas that will work for your family as well.

Enjoy,

Ashley