I have dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. As a child I didn’t know what it was called but I knew how bad things would get for me at times. I felt very strongly about things. When things were good, they were amazing. When things were bad, they were really bad. As I grew up I heard from a lot of people that,
“It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
“That I was overreacting.”
“That I just needed to get over it.”
“There is no reason for you to sleep this much.”
“You are so blessed in life, you have no reason to be sad.”
The thing is, I felt bad for feeling. I knew something was wrong but I felt bad that I felt this way. I didn’t know that at the time I was fighting something dark within myself and that I had no idea how to fight it. Depression, as I later learned it’s name. And life crippling Anxiety with a small spectrum case of bi-polar disorder.
I was so embarrassed for years. I refused to tell anyone what I WENT THROUGH. I begin self harming myself at 11. At 11! I would cut myself in places where I knew others wouldn’t see and on the weekends I began to drink a lot. This is when I began my attempt at self medication.
As I grew I didn’t stop this habits I just got better at them. I of course added in other things to self- soothe. I never sought actually help until I was in my mid-twenties and I still never told anyone. My husband at the timed didn’t even know. I was embarrassed.
I never started to really realize and talk about my depression and anxiety openly until after my separation and then divorce with my husband.
Here are somethings depression has taught me.
It is debilitating. It is dark. It is lonely. It lies. It alienates you. It controls you completely. I begin my journey for the right medicine cocktail of anti-depressants and anxiety control medication. This was a terrible journey. The meds that worked for me also caused weight gain, insomnia and you guessed it depression and possible suicidal thoughts. After my divorce when my children would be at their dads for the weekend I wouldn’t leave bed aside from going to the bathroom. I wouldn’t eat. I wouldn’t shower. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t care and I didn’t want to think, feel or be. I had some very scary close calls.
Depression is controlling. I remember everyday when I had good intentions. When I planned to be happy. When I wanted to change and when I decided I would be in control. Then I would make excuses to get out of whatever I had planned, had to do or whatever those good intentions were. I would roll over in bed and go back to sleep. Relieved and defeated that depression won again.
Then one day I remember being fed up. I remember saying to myself SCREW THIS! I AM DONE! I struggle daily with the easy way out. The path where I let depression win. I fight through it and get out of bed. I get ready. I do something that makes me feel good about myself and I make myself leave the house. At first I would literally just go to the gas station. Just made myself get out of the house. I knew I was done though. I was done with those patterns and letting depression win.
I don’t think depression goes away but I do think we can find healthy ways to deal with it. This is something that I plan to dedicate time to daily in my life for the rest of my life. I will do this because I am worth it and my kids deserve the most kickass momma that I can be!
So let me tell you this. You are not alone. This battle you are in isn’t just yours. We share it, others share it, our families and friends share it. How you deal with it is your choice though. You have to decide to be stronger than your disease. Only you can decide you are worth it. Only you can Get out of bed and fight!
Fight dear friends! Fight for yourself, your children, your parents, your siblings, your friends, your job, your pets! Yes depression sucks and is hard but life has way to much beauty to also offer us. Do it for me but mostly FOR YOU!
GET OUT OF BED!!
Love and Light