Dating after 30 sucks y’all


Y’all I just turned 33 and I am recently divorced and now single again. Not how I seen my 30’s going or you know that 10-year plan of mine I had. It would be a complete lie if I told you I haven’t been an utter mess. Throw in hormones and the fact that I think I am having a mid-life crisis and that might sum up just how insane my last 6 months have been. Thank you 2018 you have really been full of jokes this year. Now I am at single mom status and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Since that isn’t enough let’s throw in dating or thinking about dating, which is absolutely terrifying.

First of all, I haven’t dated since college and I was awful at it then too. I am an anxious mess when trying to date, I have word vomit of the mouth and I make terrible jokes to try and lighten the mood which in turns make me look like an idiot. I can own up to all of it truthfully. I know it is that bad. Here I am though, thinking about joining the dating scene though and it is NOTHING like it was 12 years ago. From what I can see that isn’t a good thing. It has progressively gotten worse. Like now when you are talking to a person they send a picture of their privates without you even having to ask?

The conversation can go from where you want to go to dinner and while waiting for a response…. “D**k Pic”, comes through your phone.
“No Sir, I would not like that for dinner. That is not even my choice for dessert!”
I am at a complete loss on how to handle this matter and actually find a person who is truly interested in getting to know each other. And truthfully what are the options here?
Going to bars to meet people…. Not for me
Dating Apps…. HUGE FAIL
Meeting people when your out and about… I am with my kids or at home
Dating Websites… Also, HUGE FAIL
Friends of friends… Oh, is that a great story (SMH)
Here is my question. What worked for you? I feel like I am looking for the lost city of Atlantis here.

I mean I am so damn picky I doubt I will ever find a man who is worth the time for myself or my boys and with what I have seen so far, I doubt that opinion will ever change. I guess I am going to shift my mindset from finding a man to be in my life and a person to date. Instead of that being the focus, because ladies we are better than a late-night phone call when the guy “Just needs to see you.” NO, I do not need to send you pictures of my body for you to be a part of my life. I am so much more then that. I am freaking amazing person and if any man isn’t willing to get to know me to see that. Then honey, you aren’t the one for me.

My new focus is going to be me. Finding out who I really am, what I really need and who I really want to be. Becoming the absolute happiest person, I can be for myself and so I can be the best damn momma I can for my boys.

I am going to speak my truth. I am not going to put how I feel in a corner so you can be more comfortable. “No one puts baby in the corner!” I am going to say NO when I know it will hurt me in the end. I am going to learn that I don’t always have to say Yes when I am exhausted and can’t take on anything more. I am going to be stronger. I am going to learn that not everyone is really there for me when they say they are, and that is okay, because I don’t need them to be.
I am going to be weird, funny and completely myself. I am going to sing terribly along with the radio and own every moment of it. I am going to dance like the uncoordinated white girl I am and I am not going to care what anyone has to say. I am going to weigh what I weigh and never ever let someone’s opinion of me either being “thick” or skinny bother me again.
I will never change who I am to fit in or make someone happy again. I will always be true to me because the right person wouldn’t want to change a single thing about me.
Look y’all I am so far from perfect it crazy. I am a hot mess more than I ever have my shit together. I make stupid mistakes, because you know I am human. I will never deny my faults or failures but I won’t have someone make me feel bad for them either.
Here’s the thing… I love my family and friends big! I will do anything for them. I have dreams and ideas. I am smart and sometimes funny! I have wit and I am super sarcastic. I love Jesus but Jesus knows I cuss a lot. If you are a true friend to me then I am with you till the end and I will never be upset that you are busy, because I AM TOO!
If a man can’t see these things and appreciate me for every single one of them then it will never work. These amazing traits and all of the flaws are who I am. Every single one of them.
So, here I am no longer focusing on being alone. Being hurt. Being jaded. If I will every find “The One”. Instead of focusing on those things I am going to focus on ME! That’s right I am going to be my own soulmate. Being alone isn’t what I should be scared of. Being in a relationship where I am not happy or appreciated is.
I also feel that when I meet that person, my person. It won’t be a lot of work. Things will just kind of work. I know God has that out there for me somewhere.
Shine Brightly Loves,
Ashley Vancil

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